FOR EVER AMEN

1. FOR EVER AMEN

A very old and extremely deaf man had attended his Methodist church(감리교 교회) for more than seventy years. Nobody minded his tuneless singing, but his habit of saying ‘Amen’ loudly five minutes after the prayers had ended-or suddenly in the middle of the notices-was a serious distraction to the worshippers. When at last somebody pointed this out to him, the old man became very embarrassed and decided to come to a secret arranged with a small boy, who always sat in the balcony overhead. The plan was brilliant. The little boy would bring a bag of dried peas into church, and every time the old man needed to say ‘Amen’, the boy would drop a pea onto his bald head.

‘For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory for ever-ping-Amen.’(주기도문 마지막 부분)

The system was apparently foolproof, and the congregation was none the wiser- just impressed that the old man’s hearing seemed to be improving. However, the people were astonished one Sunday when, right in the middle of a prayer, the old man shouted: ‘amen-amen-amen-amen-amen-amen-amen-amen---’.

And a voice called from the gallery, ‘Shut up, you fool, the bag’s bust!’

* 귀가 먹은 어르신을 위해 콩을 떨어뜨려서 아멘하는 신호를 주려고 했는데 그만 콩 봉지가...


2. “너희는 옷을 찢지 말고 마음을 찢고” (요엘 2:13)

A vicar who was tired of receiving buttons in the collection bag decided to shame the culprits in his congregation. He preached a thunderous sermon on the text: ‘Rend your heart and not your garments.’

* Vicar: 목사의 다른 말(영국 성공회 교구 목사). 영어로 목사를 뜻하는 단어- paster(일반적인 목회자), minister(성직자).
* 영국에서는 일반적으로 예배 중에 헌금을 헌금접시를 돌리거나 예배 전에 현관에 헌금접시를 둡니다.

3. 자전거를 타는 목사 * 19세 아래 불가.

A minister was in despair at the failure of his sermons. Somehow, he never chose a subjects the arrested the congregation, made them sit up, think, change their lives- or at least come up to him afterwards, shake his hand and say: ‘What a wonderful sermon, Minister.’

No, unfortunately, those who did not fall asleep during his sermon, sneaked past him at the porch or gave him a limp handshake and a formal, ‘Good morning, Reverend.’

Things came to a head one weekend. Trying to prepare his sermon, he stormed out his study and said to his wife:

‘What a use? I might as well climb into the pulpit and talk about riding bicycles.’

‘Don’t be absurd,’ said his wife.

‘Well, why not- it would shake them out of their complacency- a total unexpected, unusual subject- you never know.’

So ‘Riding Bicycles’ it was. His wife was very apprehensive, but she went into the creche, as she did every morning service, leaving her husband to face the congregation alone. But as he climbed the pulpit steps, unknown to her, a far more brilliant idea entered his head.

‘Not “Riding Bicycles”-no-that’ll never wake them up.’ He thought, ‘I’ll preach on sex. I’ll startle the whole congregation and preach a frank, searching, compelling sermon- on sex!!’

And he did. And it was brilliant. It was funny. It was honest. It was moving. It was the sermon of his life.

Afterwards, the congregation mobbed him. They came up to him, shook his hand, thanked him for taking the lid off so many problems, for his sympathetic insight.

A woman rushed into the creche and went up to the minister’s wife. ‘Your husband was wonderful!’ she said. ‘You should have heard his sermon. Such a brilliant choice of subject.’

‘Really?’ said his wife, astonished. ‘I thought it was a very odd choice considering he’s only done it three times in his life. To be perfectly honest with you-’ she whispered confidentially ‘-the first time he fell over and the second time his hat blew off.’

* 설교가 얼마나 어렵고 고통스러운지 이해하시겠죠?


4. 작은 성 프란시스와 작은 파리

A mother was entertaining guests when her five year-old son began talking to fly.

‘Do you know that God loves you, little fly?’ he asked, gently. Everyone was deeply touched by this.

‘And do you love God, little fly?’ said the budding St Francis. The boy’s mother had tears in her eyes.

‘Would you like to go to God, little fly?’ the boy persisted. The guests looked at him in admiration.

‘Then go to God, little fly!’ said the boy and squashed it.

* squash: 으깨다
 

5. “모든 육체는 풀과 같다” (벧전 1:24)

The steed bit his master;

How came this to pass?

He heard the good pastor

Cry, ‘all flesh is grass.’

* 시처럼 표현한 유머. steed : 말.
 

6. 남자들의 핑계

The following lines are quoted from a children’s nativity play(성탄절 연극):

Mary and Joseph approach the innkeeper who tells them there is no room in the inn.

Joseph: But my wife is pregnant.

Innkeeper: well, it’s not my fault.

Joseph: It’s not my fault either!

* 진짜 있었던 이야기. 2천년전 요셉은 어땠을까요?
 

7. 마태복음 8:14-15 그리고 26:75

Jesus cured Peter’s mother-in-law, when she was sick of a fever, and Peter swore and went out and wept bitterly.

* 영국의 장모는 한국의 시어머니와 같다. 이런 이야기도 있다: ‘성공한 남자의 뒤에는 야심찬 부인이 있고 그 뒤에는 놀라운 장모가 있다.’

 

8. UNWANTED ITEM

Mother’s Union sale of unwanted items. Please bring your husbands.

* 어머니회의 세일 품목?
 

9. “한 아기가 우리에게 났고” (이사야 9:6)

The vicar and his wife had left for a conference abroad, forgetting to give instructions for the banner which was to decorate the hall at the Christmas Carol Concert, the following weekend. The secretary of the Mother’s Union was astonished to receive a telegram from France which read simply:

‘UNTO US A SON IS BORN. NINE FEET LONG AND THREE FEET WIDE. REV AND MRS JOHNSON.’

* 아기의 크기가 키가 9피트 가로 3피트?
 

10. “은과 금은 내게 없거니와” (행 3:6)

Tradition has it that Thomas Aquinas(중세 카톨릭 신학자) was proudly showed round the Vatican treasury. The Pope said to him: ‘We can no longer say, “Silver and gold have we none.”’

‘No,’ said Aquinas. ‘and we can no longer say, “In the name of Jesus, rise up and walk.”

 

11. 최후의 일각까지

An American evangelist once had wires connected to all the seats in is church. ‘All those who are willing to give one hundred dollars to God,’ he shouted, ‘stand up!’

As he said this, he pressed a button and electricity zapped through the seats. There was a tremendous response, but later the sideman founded three dead Scotsmen clinging to the pews.

 

12. 나 가진 것 이것뿐

First Man: I have nothing but praise for our new minister.

Second Man: so I noticed when collection plate came round.

 

13. 구두쇠의 약속

An old miser was at death’s door. The local vicar called to see and, although a virtual stranger, brought him a bowl of fruit and some flowers. Deeply touched, the old man begged the clergyman to pray for his healing.

‘Reverend,’ he whispered hoarsely, tears filling his eyes at the through of his selfish and miserly existence, ‘if I recover, if God spare me, I promise you 100,000 pounds towards the Church Restoration Fund!’

The vicar gently squeezed the man’s hand and promised to pray for him, though hardly expecting him to make it through the night.

Yet the miracle occurred and the old miser recovered to full health. ‘Now at last,’ the vicar told the PCC, praising God for strengthening his faith, ‘our church building will be saved!’ But days… weeks… then months passed, and there was no cheque for 100,000 pounds in the post, no envelope stuffed with bank-notes ? not even a first instalment ? nothing. Eventually, the vicar could take it no longer. He stormed round to the miser’s house and demanded: ‘What happened to the 100,000 pounds you promised the church?’

The miser started at him, utterly astonished. ‘when did I promised that?’

‘When you were sick?’

‘I promised the church the sum of 100,000 pounds?

‘Yes!’

‘Well, that just shows how sick I was.’